How many of us say this at the beginning of every work week? As I sit in front of my computer, I realize what a tough Monday this is for me, and it has nothing to do with work. It has to do with life, emotions, health, and family.
I am experiencing a TIA today. Bottom line, it is a minor stroke. I have had these before and they go away usually quickly. Today’s is hanging around a bit too long for my comfort. Why has this happened? I do not think the doctors will ever be able to tell me why. I know stress is part of it. When I get this way, the stress part, it is because I start thinking too much about what I miss. I will spend another Christmas without my mom and dad. The Christmas-New Year season was always one of so much fun, love, spirit, and it is not the same without them.
I cannot just ignore the past, but when I remember I start behaving badly. I take out my frustrations on people close to me, and people who are close to me are forced to pull away. I have no answer. These thoughts affect everything in my body. My blood sugar this morning 375, not the 70-100 it should be. My speech is impaired, and for someone who uses his voice to make a living, this is very tough to deal with. Of course without my mouth I do not cause problems with my mouth.
Is the answer for me to isolate, be by myself until all passes? I always hope not, but it looks like that is where I am heading. Some people can forgive my less than gentlemanly actions, others never will. To all of the people out there, I do have a special place in my heart for all of you, whether you forgive me or not.
So for now, I will get in my car at night, and look at all of the Christmas lights in my neighborhood, and imagine the laughter and merry times being had by those inside. During the daytime hours, I can see the pride of those who put the decorations up as they admire them.
I am not sure this blog will help anyone but me today, but writing is good, sometimes sharing is as well. I know this will not entertain, but I thank anyone who reads it, and helps me vent just a bit. The holiday season is supposed to be filled with love and happiness, and that is what I wish for all.
2 comments:
Hey Vince, I really feel for you. When we lose our parents we are orphaned. We do keep those wonderful memories of holidays and the better times we had together. So we ask ourselves, what would they want us to be doing now. I think, along with enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the holidays, if we reach out to those less fortunate and volunteer to bring some joy into their lives, we get inducted into the Merry Old Souls Club. Have a great Christmas and a better New Year...
Much love being sent your way Vince. I lost my mom 5 years ago, and the best way I've found to cope is to surround myself with wonderful caring friends. I keep myself busy. Even though I'm type 1diabetic, I bake like crazy for others this time of year. Find something you enjoy and immerse yourself in it. I've also made it my personal mission this year to focus on my health - logging, tracking etc.
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